OKAY ladies and gents. Time for some honesty. Let’s rap.
Obviously, I have been neglecting this blog. I used to post these passionate dissertations on creativity, writing, industry, self care, etc. I used to post things that maybe some of you found helpful. I didn’t used to just talk about where you could buy my books (which I know is something I *should* do if I want people to buy my books, but definitely shouldn’t be the *only* thing I do). The point is I haven’t been using this blog the way I wanted to, and I intend to get back to the good ol’ days of inspirational and funny and exciting posts as soon as possible.
But I have a reason for why this blog has been so inactive and bland this winter season. Two reasons, actually. Justifications, maybe. Excuses, really. But good ones.
Reason One: I guess I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (inappropriately named because research suggests it’s NORMAL to get tired when it’s cold and sunless, and it’s NORMAL to get depressed when you’re forcing yourself to operate as if it was sunny and warm out). I’ve been in denial about it for the last 10 years or so, but every winter I develop symptoms of chronic fatigue and chronic depression, and no amount of positive self-talk, exercise, good eating, acupuncture, or looking at pictures of baby animals on the internet has been able to remedy that. In fact, this year I gave myself permission to NOT write this winter, because usually I force myself to write and make myself even more horribly (HORRIBLY) depressed when I can’t. Alleviating some of the pressure to produce helped a lot with my tendency to drive myself into a self-loathing all-hope-is-lost I’ll-never-be-able-to-write-again what-is-the-point-of-anything depression.
This isn’t a pity party, though! I’m not giving up on finding a way to thrive during the chill winter months. Now that I’ve accepted it’s a real issue, I know to start in October with things like vitamin D supplementation, light box therapy, and lightening my psychological load. Also, I eat super-healthy style about 90% of the time so at least I know that’s not an issue.
Reason Two: This past October, my husband and I decided that our marriage was over. So, you know, that was kind of a big deal.
I’m still processing it in my own way. It was a complicated split that raised a lot of questions about life and relationships and the expectations of both of those things. It also made me question a lot of what I thought I knew about myself and how Reality works. But still, as much as I know it was the right choice–and as much as I know how much happier my life is now that I’m not trapped in an unhealthy marriage–I cannot overstate how difficult it was to overcome the shame and guilt attached to the realization that I want to be happy and (after years of giving everything I have to save it) I am willing to end this marriage for that happiness. Kind of messed up that I would even think about staying in a terrible marriage at the price of my own well-being.
Oh, wait, but that’s exactly what our society teaches us to do.
Anyway. Still processing. Still transitioning. I bounce between feeling fabulous and free, and being a bitter man-hating shrew (actually I know too many awesome dudes to be a man-hater for long). But life goes on.
So there are my reasons for not being around on ye olde blog this winter. But I intend to change that! There are a lot of crazy awesome positive things that I’d like to share you you all, rather than sulking around in my still overcast and chilly hometown questioning the validity/worth of the institution of marriage. For instance: Did I mention I have two fabulous roommates now? And we’ve re-christened the house under a more fabulous and sparkly new name?
More on that next week ;)